Z/Web

I’ve rarely seen a more formulaic film than this one. Based on a fairy tale? Check. Anachronistic modern hip language, guns, and gadgets? Check. Scary, over-the-top witches, digital effects, and blurry, mindless action? Check. Hot gal and guy fighters? Check. Requisite (brief and pointless) nude scene? Check! A simple, by-the-numbers plot? Check and done.

Don’t get me wrong — this isn’t terrible. I was mildly amused and there were a handful of interesting innovations. For instance, I like the whole idea of Hansel and Gretel becoming witch hunters in adulthood, and Hansel being diabetic from eating so much sugar at the witch’s candy house as a kid was hilarious. The concept of witches’ evil gradually deteriorating their skin and bodies to explain their hideous appearance is actually quite clever and has a nice feel of poetic justice.

But the film’s fighting was terrible. First of all, H&G just don’t seem very good at what they do. Yes, they always win in the end, but 90% of the fights are them getting beaten up. That just doesn’t seem like a fun way to make a living.

The action’s so fast you really can’t make any sense of any of it, and worst of all, there’s no rhyme or reason to what the witches can do. They seem to be superstrong like superhero villains, which is weird, and they can take a punch like nothing, which is even weirder. Their magic is never explained — there are a few mentions of spells, but mostly they just shoot laser bolts from their wands and fly on broomsticks. The fights last just as long as needed for the next plot point, then miraculously our heroes save the day though logic would have suggested that the witch could have killed them any moment prior.

The film plays tongue-in-cheek with modern language in a period setting, but while that could have been hip or funny, most of the time it just feels awkward.

There are some fun moments, and the plot, while so simple it’s pretty much A-to-B, is serviceable. (The “shocking” reveal toward the end is very predictable.) The cast do what they can with the lightweight script and it’s actually impressive acting to make such dreck come across as semi-sensical, but in the end, this film isn’t worth your time. It’s fine for a few minutes of mindless entertainment, but don’t expect much. It’s a bit of a shame because the main idea had some merit and this could have been a really good movie.