//----------------------------\\ Adventures With Grandpa (tm) \\----------------------------// Tuesday, June 21, 2005 Edition #009 ____________________________________________________________ C O N T E N T S 009.1: Current Condition in Brief A quick summary of Grandpa's current condition 009.2: Sold! Grandpa's house is sold; Carol moves to Dundee 009.3: The Grandpa Diet The newest trend in weight loss 009.4: Giant Viewing Device Grandpa and Marc get a huge magnifying glass 009.5: Grandpa Quote of the Month 009.6: Colophon ____________________________________________________________ 009.1: Current Condition in Brief A quick summary of Grandpa's current condition Grandpa's been tired lately. Or, as he puts, "weary." He's very emotional, too. I'm not sure if the two are related, but they could be. It's also probable he's a little depressed about his house being sold (see 009.2). Several times he has burst into tears for the smallest reason; this morning he did this because he couldn't find his slippers. When it's time for him to go somewhere (i.e. a doctor's appointment) he'll weep and say he's too weary and can't go. Once I get him out, he's usually okay and actually enjoys it (especially if it's warm outside), but getting him going is a chore. I think the dread of the hassle of going out is greater than the actual task. Lately, Grandpa's spirits seem to variegate more than usual. One moment he's feeling old and tired, lamenting and apologizing for his "uselessness" and the next he's reminding me about his grandmother who lived to be 130 (according to him) and how he's going to match that feat. "Grandpa, that's forty more years," I tell him. "If you live to be that old, _I'd_ be 80 years old. I'd need someone to take care of me!" ____________________________________________________________ 009.2: Sold! Grandpa's house is sold; Carol moves to Dundee Well, after months of speculation of what it would be like, the deed is done. Grandpa's house is sold. He knows about it, though his understanding varies. Sometimes he's aware that he needs to sell it, but doesn't realize someone else is now living there, while at others he sighs and says that at least he's got a few pennies in the bank. Generally he's taken it extremely well. For one, I think he's gotten comfortable at my house and enjoys being here and no longer pines for the coast the way he once did. Occasionally he gets emotional about the house being "gone" -- I usually counter that with distraction and literalism, acting surprised that the house is gone and asking him if the tsunami took it. That helps him realize that it is not literally gone. I also remind him of how many houses he's gone through in his life and that helps him remember that life goes on and change isn't the end of things. Pointing out what a relief it is to get rid of the burden of the house is also helpful; now someone else can worry about those stubborn wild blackberry bushes that threaten to overwhelm the property. In general he seems to understand that selling the house was the right thing, though it's obvious he's sad not to own it any more. It's a painful reality to him that he's now moved on to another point of his life, probably one he didn't anticipate happening for many more years (it's always too soon). He may be suffering from a little depression: I occasionally hear a sense of self-pity from him. He's feeling old and useless and tired. Small things bother him more than before. Fortunately, these appear episodic and brief, and they happen less often the more he gets used to the idea that the house is no longer his. He is very happy that his daughter (my mother) Carol has moved nearby to Dundee (about 7 miles from Lafayette). Unfortunately the move signalled the reality about the Oceanside house -- she's no longer there and some of the furniture that was there is now in my house -- so he can't easily pretend that he can go back someday. However, I think that once he gets used to the idea her presence here will be less of a reminder of the missing house. Already he's gotten used to the "new" sofas. ____________________________________________________________ 009.3: The Grandpa Diet The newest trend in weight loss * * * WARNING * * * Don't read this article if you're squeamish, hungry, or eating. Seriously. I mean it. It's disgusting and horrifying. You won't sleep for a week or eat for a month. You've been warned. * * * Want to lose weight? Then try the Grandpa Diet! No, I don't mean eating what Grandpa eats, though that would probably work also. I mean _watching_ an old man eat is enough to make anyone lose their appetite! Perhaps I can rent him out as a diet remedy. Grandpa makes mealtime quite the culinary adventure. He's only got the one eye and he apparently can't see spilled food with the other. I need to vacuum him off after meals. The floor underneath his wheelchair is a pet's paradise. Lately he's developed the strange habit of taking monstrous bites of food. I'm not sure why, since he's got hardly any teeth to chew with and smaller bites would make more sense. My theory is that it's too much work for him to cut food into smaller bits so he takes larger bites to minimize the work. But of these huge bites only about half the material actually makes it into his mouth. It's a wonderful sight. Don't get me started on the task of chewing. Grandpa's apparently forgotten the "don't chew with your mouth open" rule I was taught as a child. Between what's on his face, the food on his shirt, and the mess in his open mouth I can't really look at him during meals. Of course with his lack of teeth he finds it difficult to chew certain foods, so these end up back on his plate in colorful piles of soggy, half-chewed mash. Cleanup is such fun. The other day I found he'd spit up a boatload of mucus into his half-empty coffee cup. Then we've got the noises. Burps, coughs, hacking up phlegm while chewing food, gagging, and other assorted wonders really stir up the appetite. Not! But it's his questionable meal choices that bother me the most. He frequently mixes unrelated foods into single dishes. Like one meal I'd given him a separate bowl for his salad, but he put it right in with his soup! When I had garlic butter for his bread he put it on his lasagna, and we aren't even going to talk about what he does with gravy. I have to watch him like a child. He never licks his silverware clean, happily eating ice cream with a spoon encrusted with dried dinner. I guess the mixtures of tastes don't bother him, but I'm an eat-one-thing-at-a-time person, and it makes me want to puke. Worst of all is the way he salts, peppers, and sugars things. I don't use salt at all (American food tastes way too salty for me) though I like pepper on steak. I hardly ever use sugar (American food already has plenty). Grandpa uses half the sugar bowl on his Corn Flakes (disgusting, they are almost too sweet already). His entire life he's been a salter, always without tasting the food first. Now with his poor vision he drowns the food in salt until he can see it (fortunately about half ends up on the table as he frequently misses the plate completely), and then his poor memory kicks in and he does it two or three more times. Several times he's been unable to eat his food or drink his coffee because he'd oversalted or oversweetened it. I have to keep Grandpa's leftovers in separate containers because no one else on the planet would even think of eating his food after he's salted and peppered it. It gags me just thinking about it. (And yes, he resalts and repeppers his leftovers that were already excessively seasoned the previous time. Just think what his food is like after several rounds of meals!) While I can understand the theory behind seasoning some foods, such as meats, Grandpa seems to have no discrimination of what gets salt and pepper. He salts and peppers salads, fruit (horrors!), breads, bacon, potatoes, rice, gravies, soups, pretty much anything on his plate. It's quite horrifying, even more if you dislike salt like me. The other day he poisoned his luscious canteloupe with salt and pepper; I almost vomited. Ruining God's most amazing creation! The sacrilege! I swear I'd rather eat those maggots on "Fear Factor" than canteloupe so desecrated. Apparently none of this is unique to Grandpa. I gather it's a common characteristic of old age. One day when I was a little frustrated by Grandpa's eating habits and heard a bit of Dr. Laura's radio show. The caller, which I'd missed, was caretaker of a elderly parent. Dr. Laura told the caller this story: There once was a son who was caring for his elderly father. One day he grew fed up by the old man's messy eating. Angrily he dragged a chair to the back yard and put the man's food in a large wooden bowl. "There," he said. "From now on you eat out here where you can make as much of a mess as you want!" Later, this man found his own son working diligently in the woodshop. He had a lathe and was busy carving out a block of wood. "What are you doing?" asked the dad. "I'm making a bowl for when _you_ get old," answered the son. At the next meal the grandfather was back at the table with the rest of the family. I guess there's a lesson in there for all of us, isn't there. ____________________________________________________________ 009.4: Giant Viewing Device Grandpa and Marc get a huge magnifying glass It's a scary thing that even with one 90-year-old eyeball Grandpa without his glasses can see better than Marc without his! But bigger's always better. So in an effort to assist with his Grandpa's vision problems (not to mention his own), Marc went out and got a giant viewing device. This large piece of electronic equipment blows everything up to five feet wide and three feet tall so that you can see it from across the room. Even small text is readable from twenty feet away on the living room sofa! The amazing thing is how much Grandpa enjoys this new device. Before he showed little interest in viewing things; now he stays awake for hours enjoying entertainment he didn't even know existed. Motion pictures that before confused him, now he can understand -- perhaps because he can actually distinguish the different actors now. Action that was a blur of motion before is now crisp and clear and in such vivid detail that it feels like a command performance right there in the living room. With surround sound that rumbles the building, all we're missing is SmellaVision. (And I, frankly, hope they _don't_ get around to inventing that!) ____________________________________________________________ 009.5: Grandpa Quote of the Month While getting a haircut, the stylist apparently tapped the scissors against Grandpa's bald head. "Is that to check and see if it is empty?" Grandpa asked, deadpan. ____________________________________________________________ 009.6: Colophon Publication Title: Adventures With Grandpa (tm) Frequency: Occasionally Price: $1,000,000 per issue Publisher: Marc Zeedar Author: Marc Zeedar Photographer: Marc Zeedar Copyright: Contents (photos and text) (C) 2005 by Marc Zeedar All Rights Reserved Telephone: 877-364-5922 Website: http://www.zeedar.com/grandpa/ To add, remove, or change your subscription details; make suggestions or complaints; report typos or errors; send millions of dollars; or send Grandpa or Marc a comment, send email to . If you'd like to telephone Grandpa (he loves to hear from people and he'll chat like the wind though he won't remember the call ten minutes later), you may call him toll-free at 877-364-5922. ###